Can I still meet my future spouse in real life?

If you’re a single Catholic desirous of marriage, and you ask the Internet how to meet your spouse, you will invariably be given the same two suggestions: “Go to Mass and talk to anyone who looks single!” or “Have you tried CatholicMatch?”

The latter suggestion grows more and more common, for good reason: CatholicMatch and other dating apps have helped countless couples meet and marry. But whether you use a dating app, it’s important to meet people in-person as well. Not every great Catholic man or woman is using the dating app you’re on, and not everyone shows their best self online. Maybe you just want that real-life “meet-cute” instead of a connection through a screen. Good news: that’s still possible even in the twenty-first century.

Last year, I took an informal poll in a group chat of several hundred local Catholics, asking the married and engaged people how they met their spouses. The top three answers, which were nearly tied, were online, school/university, and Catholic groups/events. Notice that online meeting is not the front-runner; it’s on par with two common in-person opportunities. I know many people who met their spouses at church, through friends and family, at parties or wedding receptions, or in more unexpected ways. (One of my housemates told me that her sister and brother-in-law met in the parking lot of a grocery store.)

In this article, I’ll share some lesser-known strategies for meeting eligible Catholics in person.

Of course, to make in-person meeting successful, an attitude of openness is crucial. It’s a bit counter-intuitive, but if you have the willingness and ability to meet lots of people, without being overly concerned about whether they are people you would consider marrying, you could meet your spouse anywhere. There’s just one catch: you’ll probably have to try some things that are a little outside your comfort zone. After all, your comfort zone is full of people you already know and aren’t dating.

Fighting the anti-dating stigma

Fresh off my last breakup, I was feeling a bit desperate and wondering how in the world I would meet a good, smart, attractive, marriage-minded Catholic man. I didn’t want to go online—I believed I would fall too much into a “shopping” mindset, hunting for a collection of traits rather than seeking to encounter an image of God—so I started looking around for ways to meet single Catholic men who were interested in dating in person. There were plenty of ways to meet Catholics here in Nashville, but it was still hard to find ones who were interested in dating and would actually take action. You could have a great connection with someone and then find out that she has a long-distance boyfriend or that he’s on the verge of entering seminary.

Or, you could have a great conversation with someone who is similarly single and looking, but never end up on a date because the culture of the event or group subtly discourages dating. There’s a vague, unspoken rule that you shouldn’t go to Bible study just to meet people of the opposite sex; therefore, there’s a stigma against asking out someone at Bible study. You’re supposed to be there purely out of love for God’s Word, don’t you know? And if you do ask someone out, and she says no, you definitely can’t ask someone else from Bible study too soon, or you’ll get a reputation for being that guy who asks out all the girls at Bible study.

The result is that men and women tend to congregate in their own groups on opposite sides of the room at every gathering, fearful of appearing too flirtatious by simply speaking to someone of the other sex. (Or, more commonly, they just have separate men’s and women’s Bible studies.) Socially, it’s much safer to express your desire to date in the semi-anonymous forum of an online profile, while in person, acting as if that’s practically the furthest thing from your mind.

This subtle stigma against dating is silly, of course. If marriage is a sacrament and a holy state of life, shouldn’t Catholic young adult culture encourage finding a spouse, organically, alongside doing other things like studying scripture?

Strategy #1: Be brave enough to ask someone out—or hint that you’re open to being asked out—everywhere you meet fellow Catholics, including Bible study! Show up looking your best and make a point of being friendly to members of the opposite sex. Gentlemen, if you’re even a little interested, say, “I’d love to continue this conversation over coffee/dinner/a drink sometime. Can I get your number?” Ladies, if you’re interested, smile and make eye contact much more than you think you need to. If necessary, hint that you would love to see him again sometime. There is nothing immoral about a little appropriate flirtation. As more people revive healthy male-female interaction, the stigma will drop away.

Don’t be afraid of the single label

No matter how silly, the stigma is there, and it’s strong. When I got back into dating after my last breakup, I wanted to change that. I wanted to create a “safe space” where asking people out and making an effort to meet people of the opposite sex was normal and socially acceptable. So I started a singles’ ministry.

Now, the phrase “singles’ ministry” still makes me cringe a bit. Somehow, it conjures images of unattractive, awkward people meeting over bad coffee in a church basement. Many people, especially women, have told me that they don’t like the idea of going to an event where there’s an expectation that everyone is trying to get a date. It feels high pressure. They’re concerned the people there might be too pushy, or just “weird,” or that they themselves will feel like failures if they leave without a date.

Some men have also told me they wouldn’t be interested in this type of event. One young man who messaged me on Reddit said he feared a singles’ event might be “90% guys,” or even if the ratio were better, that trying to make a good first impression would be “mildly stressful.” So if the idea of coming to a Catholic singles’ event makes you want to vomit, whether out of disgust or nervousness, I completely understand.

And yet, to my long-lasting astonishment, it worked. I started with casual gatherings at a brewery, then progressed to a cocktail hour with a talk by a professional matchmaker, then to structured speed dating events. There was nearly always a good turnout, but speed dating in particular was a huge hit, bringing 40-60 people each time and resulting in plenty of first dates. And the types of men and women who showed up were all over the map, from shy or quirky to conventionally attractive social butterflies. Over a seven-month period, we ran three speed dating events that collectively resulted in dozens of dates and at least six long-term relationships, four of which have turned into engagements as of this writing.

My city (Nashville) isn’t the only place that Catholic speed dating is taking off. I recently wrote an article for OSV News about Catholic speed dating ministries around the country, including Hot and Holy in Michigan, AZ Catholic Speed Dating in Arizona, and Denver Catholic Speed Dating in Colorado (which also does pop-up events around the country and even internationally). The founders of these ministries could each point to multiple dates and relationships that had resulted, even though their ministries were very new. Could it be that the Holy Spirit is working to revive the Sacrament of Matrimony through speed dating, of all things?

Dances, which have a long history, are another popular way to meet eligible singles. Parishes used to host dances for the teenagers and young adults, and for hundreds of years, public balls were an important way for single men and women to meet. Dancing is making a bit of a comeback among young Catholics now. The aforementioned Reddit user, who was skeptical of singles’ events, told me that he and his friends have the most success meeting women at dances organized by a committee of young Catholics. The organizers teach a simple swing or waltz, and people are paired with random partners for the lesson. Afterward, it’s expected that the guys will ask the girls to dance, so it feels natural to interact with the opposite sex. “I just find if you’re willing to learn how to dance and are easy to talk to, any guy could easily get a date,” he said. He also pointed out that, even if the dates don’t work out, the dance wasn’t a waste of time: “It’s fun regardless!”

So, strategy #2: Look for purpose-built Catholic singles’ events, dances, and anything else that explicitly encourages men and women to interact. You may not like dancing, you may find speed dating stressful . . . but you can’t possibly know that if you’ve never tried them! If you show up with a good attitude and the mindset that you’re “just meeting people,” these events can be a lot of fun, whether or not you get a date.

Plus, Anna Basquez, the founder of Denver Catholic Speed Dating, told me that many of her attendees who didn’t meet their spouses at her events still ended up meeting their spouses soon after. There was a kind of ripple effect. Meeting people and getting dates is at least partially a skill that just takes practice.

Fill the gap yourself

If Catholic speed dating, dances, and mixers don’t already happen in your area, try throwing your own event. As Czeena Devera, the founder of Hot and Holy, told me, “You just need a few good friends” to make an event possible. Some events also act as fundraisers (ticket revenue goes to a parish restoration fund or a charity), which might be enough to convince someone who’s otherwise skeptical or embarrassed to give it a try (“I’m just donating to a good cause!”).

Besides, there’s almost nothing bolder and better you can do for your dating life than lead the Catholic singles’ events. When I was running my Nashville singles’ ministry, I got far more dates than I ever had in my life, because everyone knew who I was and had some way of contacting me. (Being asked out via the ministry email might not be very romantic, but it worked.) And it was very rewarding to see my efforts working, both by sparking my relationship with my now husband, and by bringing other people together.

Strategy #3: Found the singles’ ministry, run the speed dating event, organize the dance, or at least throw a party where the guest list is all single Catholics. I’ve found that the most bare-bones events can be successful just by bringing single Catholics together who haven’t met before and nudging them to speak to each other.

One last thought: ask yourself, if attending or running an event labeled for singles seems too high-pressure or feels too forward, why doesn’t a dating app? Hiding behind a screen might make rejection feel less personal, but it can also make interaction, in general, feel less personal, hindering the chemistry that would otherwise happen. When a coworker heard about me running a speed dating event, he said, “That sounds like real-life Tinder.” He makes a good point: both dating apps and speed dating fulfill the same purpose, filling the top of your funnel with lots of new eligibles. Trying both will help you meet more people, and it will help you meet people in different contexts, so you can learn about what works best for you.

(This essay is adapted from the book Pretty Good Catholic: How to Find, Date, and Marry Someone who Shares Your Faith, available at the Vianney Vocations website and your local Catholic bookstore.)