What to do if you’re too ashamed to go to Confession

Madrid, Spain, Dec 21, 2017 / 12:16 pm (CNA/EWTN News).- While Reconciliation is intended to allow Christ’s victory to overcome sin in our lives, what happens when shame over one’s sins is so great that it keeps people away from the sacrament?

The famous Spanish theologian Father José Antonio Fortea discussed this phenomenon, and practical solutions to it, in a blog post.

Normally, a sense of Christ’s mercy should be enough to help people overcome their shame and go to Confession, in order to receive forgiveness and healing.

However, in some cases, Fr. Fortea acknowledged, people are overwhelmed by their sins, and this shame becomes “a wall” keeping them away from Reconciliation.

“They would rather make a 100-mile pilgrimage than have to confess face-to-face certain things they did that are terribly and frightfully humiliating to them,” he said, reflecting on the torment that faces some penitents who struggle approaching the sacrament.

The Spanish priest first pointed out the importance of priests offering fatherly compassion on those who have “these burdens on their consciences.”

He also noted the importance of ensuring truly anonymous confessions. In each city, he said, “there ought to be at least one confessional where instead of a grill, there is a metal sheet with small holes, making it totally impossible to see the person making their confession.”

The person confessing should not be visible to the priest as they approach or leave, he continued. If there is a window on the priest’s door, it should not be transparent.

“With these measures, the vast majority of the faithful can resolve the problem of shame,” Fr. Fortea said.

But for those “truly very rare” cases where shame is still a major obstacle, even with anonymous confessionals, additional steps can be taken.

In these instances of extreme shame, the person can “make an anonymous phone call to a priest in the city and tell him about this problem.” Confession itself cannot take place over the phone, but “in many cases, the phone conversation will be enough so the penitent can get up his confidence and can approach the kind of above-mentioned confessional.”

If the penitent still finds that the shame of mentioning his sins is too great to bear, he can arrange for a written confession with the priest.

Fr. Fortea said that in several of the confessionals in his city of Alcalá de Henares, Spain, “it's possible for the penitent to move the screen slightly, just a fraction of an inch, and slip in a piece of paper.”

He offered guidelines for such written confessions: they should generally not be longer than one page, sins should be written “in a clear and concise manner,” or if possible, should be typed for clarity in reading.

“The priest will give his counsel, the penance and absolution without needing to bring up any questions for the penitent. In this case asking questions would be counterproductive,” he reflected.

While the general rule is that confession should be vocal, it can be done through writing in some cases, the priest said. He noted that those who are deaf or mute have always been permitted to make written confessions.

And in the case of insurmountable shame, this would also be licit, he said. “A psychological inability can be just as real as a physical one.”

This article was originally published on CNA Aug. 18, 2016.

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  1. My wife and I have a problem with our pastor (the only priest in the parish) recognizing our voices. He’s a fantastic priest (FSSP, not surprisingly) but he’s human. On the other hand, I guess it’s a help in avoiding serious sin!

  2. I’m in a bit of a quandry. At first I’d go to Confession every week, just before Mass, so that I can partake in Communion but then I read that, unless I’m honestly planning not to repeat the sin that the Confession isn’t valid. Well, I live with my fiance and have physical relations with her. I realize that, due to the realities of our shared space, this won’t change and, until we marry, it will be sinful. As such, I’ve stopped going to Confession and stopped taking Communion, deciding that it won’t be right until we marry (months from now). I don’t see any other way as this reality is a mortal sin and I realize that I can’t take Communion under present circumstances. I don’t see any other way. I miss Communion but stay in my pew at the time as it would be wrong to do otherwise

    • I asked a friend this before:
      Would you trade the Lord of Heaven and Earth who was scourged, beaten, spat at, hammered to the cross and died an excruciating date FOR YOU, for sex with your girlfriend? Jesus or the girlfriend. Your answer is the girlfriend.

      That falls then under the very serious sin of idolatry.

      So yes, why pretend that you are sorry and thus go to confession when you really are not if there is no resolve to amend your life. That is the promise you make when you pray the Act of Contrition so right after confession you are already lying. God is not really God for you.

      Look at Jesus on the cross and tell Him he matters less than the girl on your bed.

    • Apropos my earlier reply, while it is good to abstain from Communion, why would you choose to abstain from Communion with the Lord of Heaven and Earth than abstain from sin? Why would you choose a girlfriend over the God who formed you in your mother’s womb, who created your girl friend, who loves you more than anyone ever could?

      St Paul said where sin abounds, grace abounds even more.

      So right this very minute, an over abundance of grace is being poured upon you so you can turn away from a life of sin. It’s just for you to accept that grace and cooperate with it.

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