Holy Thursday, conversion, and “the death of His saints”

Let me explain. As readers probably know, many people become Catholic during the Easter Triduum. The Church, in her liturgical rites, makes a distinction between “Catechumens” and “Candidates.” Catechumens are those who have never been (validly) baptized and, after instruction and prudent discernment, will become Catholic by baptism at the Easter Vigil. Candidates are more properly called Candidates for full communion, and they are validly baptized Christians who want to become Catholic. They make a profession of faith, receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and then make their First Communion and are confirmed.

When I went through RCIA, my parish made a distinction between Catechumens and Candidates by having Candidates (after Confession the weekend before) make their First Communion at the Mass of the Lord’s Supper on Holy Thursday. Then we received Confirmation at the Easter Vigil. Even though the date of Holy Thursday changes from year to year, I consider the feast day more than any particular calendar date as the anniversary of when I became Catholic.

So, today is my 29th anniversary of being Catholic. Our three adopted children will also be receiving the Sacraments of Initiation this coming Saturday evening. All that has me in a contemplative frame of mind. I have not always lived up to my calling as a Catholic, to my shame and regret. But God writes straight with crooked lines, and I know that He’s not finished with me yet.

I was thinking today about how fitting it is that Holy Thursday marks my anniversary. Tonight, almost two thousand years ago, before praying in the Garden, Our Lord prayed His high priestly prayer, as it is called. You can read the full prayer in John 17, but I want to focus on verses 20-21:

I do not pray for these only, but also for those who believe in me through their word, that they may all be one; even as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me…

This passage was of incredible importance to me in my conversion process. Here is one of our Lord’s dying wishes—that His followers be one. And this is not some abstract unity or a nice thought. The only thing Our Lord can compare it to is the very union He has with the Father. The Church is one and is called to be one because the Son is one with the Father, in the love that is the Holy Spirit.

At some point in my study of Catholicism all those years ago, things became more than just an intellectual exercise. If it is Our Lord’s dying wish that His followers share in this existential unity, and if I call myself a follower of Christ, then I had better be doing everything in my power to fulfill this request. I realized that I was called—as is everyone!—to live that oneness as a member of Christ’s one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic Church.

The Eucharist is both a celebration of that unity (so it cannot be given to those who are not united to the Catholic Church in faith) and a means whereby the unity we first received in our baptism is strengthened and grows. At the Mass this evening, we recite part of the Psalm that contains my favorite verse in all of Scripture:

What shall I render to the Lord
for all his bounty to me?
I will lift up the chalice of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord,

I will pay my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his saints.

O Lord, I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your handmaid.
You have loosed my bonds.
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord,
in your midst, O Jerusalem.

I hope that the connection to the Eucharist is fairly obvious, as this Psalm is often used in a Eucharistic context. And there are many parts of this Psalm that could be pulled out as a favorite verse. But my favorite verse (in all of Scripture) comes from the middle: “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.”

I don’t think the verse is talking about physical death per se. That remains as nasty and messy as it always has been. But the Eucharistic context unlocks a deeper meaning. The “death” here is a death embraced by the Eucharist. It is a death of self-oblation in love and thanksgiving. Inasmuch as we unite our individual sufferings and our very death itself to the once and for all sacrifice of Jesus Christ, re-presented in every celebration of the Eucharist, the precious death mentioned here is the Eucharist.

That’s what makes it precious.

There is a saying in Eastern Christian spirituality: “If you die before you die, then you won’t die when you die.” This is the death that the Psalm is talking about. A death of ego so that we can be ever more united to the saving death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

As my wife and kids could tell you, I am by no means perfect. But if I choose to die a little more each day, if I choose to be converted a little more each day, if I choose to live the graces of Holy Thursday a little more each day, Our Lord can help me further along on my journey to Him. That process is often painful, but it is such a precious death.

I invite you all to join me…