“Trads” (or devotees of the traditional Latin Mass), charismatic Catholics (or those who emphasize the charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit in life and worship), conservative Catholics, liberal Catholics—we live in a time of great division between Catholics who think the Church should ideally look, act, and worship in different ways, and often have antagonism toward those who disagree.
As I’ve written before, this tribalism can be a huge obstacle to finding a devout Catholic spouse. Catholic weddings per year plummeted about 69% between 1970 and 2021, according to the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate. Countless factors contribute to this decline, but one is this intra-Catholic tribalism. Many single Catholics look for dates not just among fellow Catholics, but among fellow Catholics of their own tribe, which tends to limit the dating pool severely.
I believe single Catholics who desire marriage should set aside this limitation, at least for the initial steps of meeting and dating. This is one step among many to achieving more happy, holy, Catholic marriages.
First, I want to validate the desire for a spouse from one’s own tribe. It is important for spouses to agree on what Mass they will attend and anything else that practically affects their lives. For instance, Catholics at different points on the traditional-to-liberal spectrum might have different understandings of when (if ever) it’s okay to use fertility awareness methods (Natural Family Planning or NFP) to space or avoid pregnancies, something that would certainly impact married life. It’s also probably a good idea to have some shared devotions so that you can pray together more easily (e.g., you both love the Rosary, or you both love praise-and-worship).
However, it’s also very important not to refuse to date someone just because he or she appears to fall into a different tribe. There are two main reasons for this.
The numbers won’t work
All the time, I hear young Catholic men saying there are no good single women at their parish, and young Catholic women saying there are no good single men at their parish. The obvious solution is that the sexes need to be willing to look outside their parishes in order to find each other.
In my experience, partially backed up by a survey conducted by the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter, there seem to be more single Catholic men than women in the traditional and traditional-leaning camps, which might help explain why the men and women aren’t meeting at Mass. So, I highly recommend that single Catholics who desire marriage be open to meeting people from other parishes, especially at non-Mass events (e.g., a Young Catholic Professionals happy hour, a diocesan event, or speed dating).
I’ve taken my own medicine. At one point before my marriage, I was limiting myself to meeting men primarily in places where I thought “trad” men would be. God has led me to become very devoted to the traditional Latin Mass over the years, and I wanted a husband who would share that desire for tradition, reverence, and rootedness. But I quickly realized I could not cling to that filter when it came to initial meetings. I couldn’t expect to meet only attractive male clones of myself and end up happily married.
So I dropped some of my filters and began simply to meet real people. I had limited my options out of an irrational fear that I would… what? Accidentally marry someone who didn’t share or respect my traditional devotion? It’s pretty hard to marry someone you don’t want to marry, and meeting someone isn’t marrying him, anyway.
Interestingly, soon after I let go of my filter and started allowing God to send me whomever He pleased, I went on my first date with my now-husband. He had tattoos and wore gauges in his ears and didn’t strike me as a “trad” at all. But on our first date, I learned that he actually did share an interest in the Latin Mass: he had discovered it a year or two before as he was reverting back to Catholicism and was affected by its beauty.
I still didn’t know whether we perfectly agreed on every debated liturgical and doctrinal question, because there are endless variations of opinion even within a single tribe. But the question whether we agreed on everything became less and less important as it became clear that we agreed on the crucial, practical things: all the official teachings of the Church, the majority of our most important opinions, and even our favorite spiritual practices. It also became clear that God was using our relationship for our betterment. We both continue to learn about Church teaching and liturgy and grow in our spiritual life through our relationship. What else matters?
Time after time, I’ve observed other couples who went through a similar journey, each learning more and adjusting their habits until they aligned. A woman who grew up in the charismatic movement now attends the Byzantine liturgy with her husband. A woman who was raised more traditional married a man involved in the charismatic movement, and now they incorporate various devotions from both movements into their marriage. A man who grew up in the Society of St. Pius X married a woman who attended “normal” parish Masses. They came to a compromise and now attend Latin Masses at a diocesan parish.
Marriage-minded Catholics can take these couples as examples and consider being more open to fellow Catholics of a different tribe.
It excludes chances for growth
That leads me to the second problem with limiting yourself to people already in your own tribe. This attitude leaves no room for growth in piety and knowledge of the faith, in the other person or in yourself. If you start dating someone from a different tribe, you might both learn a lot and end up naturally aligning. (If you don’t, of course, there is time to break up.)
Share your own devotions and views as they come up organically, and be willing to learn about the other person’s. You might discover something the Church offers that you weren’t aware of before and end up falling in love—with another devotion or form of worship within the Catholic umbrella, if not with your date. Or the same thing could happen to your date if you joyfully—not pridefully—share your devotions and views. In fact, you should both learn more about the faith, deepen your relationships with God, and discover more of the riches of Catholic worship together.
Everything was newfangled at some point, even the Dominican order. Every new movement that truly comes from the Holy Spirit has some tradition behind it, even speaking in tongues. It’s never a waste to get to know another person—an image of God. And it’s never dangerous to learn about another person’s beliefs and devotions. Just look into what sort of Church approval the movement or devotion has before you start participating and you’ll be pretty safe.
People change their opinions all the time, before and after marriage. You should marry someone you agree with well enough on all important and practical things, so that you won’t be in major conflict from the start. That includes all the official teachings of the Catholic Church, at a minimum. But more importantly, you should look for someone who has a “growth mindset” when it comes to the Faith and spiritual life. Look for someone who is absolutely committed to the truth and has convictions, but is humble enough to recognize that he or she doesn’t already know the whole truth . . . and become that person yourself.
And, of course: pray, pray, pray. No matter what tribe you fall into, develop an appreciation for the tradition and authority of the Church. Receive the sacraments regularly. Read the scriptures and spiritual classics. And develop a personal, conversational relationship with God, perhaps with the guidance of a spiritual director. Give God permission to conform you to Himself, rather than focusing too much on finding someone who conforms to you.
(Note: This essay is adapted from the book Pretty Good Catholic: How to Find, Date, and Marry Someone who Shares Your Faith, available from Vianney Vocations.)
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I happened to meet my Catholic husband at a secular city college. I honestly have no idea how one can meet a catholic dating partner at Mass. parishes need to offer a coffee hour after certain masses and maybe encourage ALL parishioners to come. Or organize a weekend bus trip to some sacred site for catholics under age 40. Meeting a potential dating partner takes repetition and also TIME.
I actually did meet my husband at Mass but I hear you. We need to do a better job of fellowship & creating opportunities for people to meet each other. And individual Catholics need to take some initiative also by reaching out to visitors at Mass, introducing them to other parishoners, etc. Just embracing old fashioned manners & fellowship as opposed to everyone hurrying to get to the parking lot first. Sometimes at the end of Mass it looks like the Red Sea parting-people just streaming out both doors. No one hangs around outside to visit. No coffee & doughnuts. Nada.
Even our parish’s Lenten fish fries are strictly drive thru. People don’t want to take time & share a meal . It’s a shame.
I know parishes differ & our little parish has many other good things going but we fall down in fellowship. The TLM folks down the road do fellowship a whole lot better. Just saying…
KofC pancake breakfasts are wonderful for this. Your pastor probably knows who is available and looking. He can’t give you a name directly, but he could coyly suggest you join a certain activity that your priest knows he is active in. Be creative. There are ways.
Recipe for marrying a faithful Catholic:
1. Access the Newman Guide to Catholic colleges.
2. Attend one of these colleges with the mind of selecting a suitable Catholic spouse.
3. Remain enrolled for as long as needed to find a suitable spouse. Completion of a degree required only if necessary for one’s vocational goals.
It is pretty ridiculous that someone would need to sign up to the mostly useless industrial collegian complex just to be able to fulfill a basic expression of the natural law. I think that are more intelligent solutions.
Amen, Deacon Edward. That’s how it worked for two of my children & I’ve been blessed with 11 of my 16 grandchildren through those 2 marriages.
I wish there was a less financially burdensome way to meet an orthodox Catholic spouse though.
This is not a good idea. Too much debt would be taken on.
Deacon, thank you for reading and responding. What is to be done if the student completes a degree and still hasn’t found that faithful Catholic spouse?
Graduate school
Work toward another degree? Studying for the GMAT is how I met my spouse. In fact, he tutored me in prep for it!
For one who is out of college, say a revert, a convert, a techie guy who didn’t meet too many women in college (been there done that hello), or someone who discerned out of religious life prior to ordination or final vows, it’s difficult to meet a practicing Catholic spouse.
For someone under 35 I suggest finding a good young adult group and sign up for a Catholic online dating site. I also suggest at any age finding some volunteering with an apostolate or ministry. I have friends who met their spouse through choir and a few that met as RCIA volunteers. Pro life ministry normally attracts more women so that’s an opportunity for a man to make friends with some women that could blossom into something more.
The online dating sites can work but even the Catholic ones (and even the Christian ones) some caution is needed particularly at first. I know at least thirty people that are happily married to someone whose initial greeting was online.
You also might ask Catholic friends for referrals (a girl I knew years ago married a guy who was introduced to her by a family friend) and if you are single go to weddings that often have single friends of the bride and groom invited. Showing up for coffee and doughnuts (or a Church breakfast) after Mass is nice too.
With all due respect, Deacon, I don’t think one should attend a Newman guide school solely in order to find a faithful Catholic spouse, for two reasons.
One, a college is ultimately for education, and for seeking truth and wisdom (at least if it is a good college, as many of the Newman guide schools are). To attend one of these schools primarily to find a spouse devalues the intellectual life which these schools are trying to promote. I certainly don’t think it’s wrong to hope and/or try to find a spouse at these schools (I know many people who did find their spouses there while getting incredible educations), but I would advise against it as one’s primary motive. I think it often leads to inaccurate expectations of college, and disappointment – which brings me to my second reason, that many people do not in fact find a faithful spouse while attending Newman guide schools, even when looking (and actively dating while there). As Rachel said, what should one do then? If your goal is solely to find a good spouse at college, and that fails, then you’ve wasted a lot of time and money.
I think college is a great place one can find a spouse, but it’s not a guarantee – I personally didn’t find my spouse in college, despite hoping to, and I went to a Newman guide school. I do think promoting communities of Catholic young people like those often found at Catholic colleges (easier said than done, I know), is a good way to meet other faithful Catholics who desire to marry.
I appreciated this, and it seems to offer good advice.
My wife was Catholic when we met, and I was only vaguely Christian. We were married in her parish church, and eventually (with no pressure from her), I also became Catholic. I’m still Catholic and we’re comfortably past our thirtieth year of marriage.
Thank you, about time!! May God bless you and your husband as you seek to follow Him. 😇
Interesting article but I don’t observe Catholics in meaningful numbers resisting the wider culture’s virtual abandonment of marriage.
I take issue with an underlying presupposition behind this article. The article implies that:
(1) “Trads (or devotees of the traditional Latin Mass), (2) charismatic Catholics (or those who emphasize the charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit in life and worship), (3) conservative Catholics, (4) liberal Catholics” are merely signs that there are different human opinions floating around about what how “Church should ideally look, act, and worship.”
Here is my counterclaim: (a) There is, in REALITY, a way that the “Church should ideally look, act, and worship” that is not reducible to mere human opinions–and at least one or more of these four so-called “tribes” the author appeals to most certainly do not live up to it. (b) Moreover, it is actually part of the problem of a ‘Catholic marriage crisis’ to suggest that glossing over the so-called “tribal” divisions in the Church will somehow functionally address the root of the problem. (c) Lastly, the root cause of the divisions, at the end of the day, is something that can impede whether or not there is a valid sacramental marriage. The annulments are astronomical. I suspect this trend will remain among Millennials and Generation Z’ers who follow the poorly thought-out counsel of this article which has hardly stood the test of time.
Thank you for your comment. I hope I stressed enough that it is important to look for a Catholic who actually believes all that the Church teaches and to avoid getting involved in any movements or devotions that do not have Church approval. There is much more involved than mere human opinion, but arguing which of the “tribes” is most aligned with God’s will is beyond my ability as a lay person. I trust that those who earnestly seek truth, receiving the sacraments often and praying daily, will be guided to the movement or “tribe” they should be in.
There is absolutely no recipe for finding the “right person”. As to the idea of “tribalism”, I think it’s difficult enough for young people to meet observant Catholics who serious enough about their faith to not substitute non-marital cohabitation for marriage. let alone worry about whether they are “trad” or charismatic.
I question whether there are any significant numbers of “liberal“ Catholics of marrying age. That cohort tends to be considerably older. That leaves us with big “T” Traditional Catholics, i.e., those devoted to the TLM, and small “t” traditional Catholics, i.e., those who prefer a reverent Novus Ordo. I’m afraid that’s about all there is left of Catholics under, say, 35 who practice the faith.
I suggest having a lifelong devotion to St. Joseph. It worked for me; it may work for you, too.
St. Joseph helped my daughter that way, also. And she’s always had a devotion to him, too.
🙂
I met my husband in high school-we started dating when he was a sophomore and I was a junior. We did a lot of projects, plays, and church stuff together. Back then we were Protestant from 2 very different denominations and much of our discussions were about our faith. We married after his junior year in college and enjoyed 41 beautiful years together. Two daughters! When we were in our mid 40s we converted to Catholicism. My beloved husband died of COVID in 2020 before the vaccines (which were a gift of God!). I miss him still. Both of our daughters have converted to Catholicism. I think that it’s good for spouses to meet while they are young and still under the authority of their parents. I also believe in young marriage-as soon as the couple has a realistic and viable plan to be on their own out of their parents’ houses and supporting themselves. Out only regret was that we didn’t have more children.
I recently heard that a priest whose name I can’t recall was asked when he knew that he was called to be a priest and his answer was, “When the bishop ordained me.” I wonder if a similar attitude might not be applied to marriage. If God doesn’t lead a single person to a suitable spouse, perhaps that person is not called to a sacramental Catholic marriage, as sad as that may be for many of us. How does a person know if he or she is called to marriage? That may be at the wedding ceremony when the other person says, “I do.” I fear the results of trying to force the issue.
“traditional Catholic, liberal Catholic” ? Maybe 20% traditional, 20% liberal, and 60% Catholic in the true holy apostolic Church, the mystical body of Christ Jesus Adinai. Traditional can be just Latin lovers or members of opponents of the Catholic Church because they are in disunity with the Church, the mystical body of Christ but call
themselves the only holy remnant ones. This cruel division of the Catholic Church is on you Trads. It is time to pray and act on the unity of the Church. There are many rites in the Catholic Church. For me there is nothing more beautiful then the Novus Ordo, the enactment of the Last Supper of the Lord. By their love you shall know them! God bless!
And just how are those who are being banished from parishes the party responsible for “cruel divisions” in the Church? Have we tried to expel Novus Ordo Catholics from their parishes? But thanks for the “God bless.” Talk about a passive-aggressive comment!
Your theology is bad. Holy Mass is a re-presentation of Calvary, not the Last Supper.
Once you age out of the Young Adult scene it is literally impossible. … Okay, maybe not literally, but it does feel quite hopeless most of the time.