Helping couples who are carrying the unexpected cross of infertility

A few days after our wedding, I gave up on charting my cycle. Whatever God wants, we said. Let the babies come!

But less than two years later, my husband and I knelt before the altar in St. Lucy’s Church, home of the National Shrine of St. Gerard, in Newark, NJ. Many Catholics turn to St. Gerard with their intentions concerning pregnancy and childbirth. We had a big petition to surrender at the foot of the Cross that day. But God–in His wonderful, incomprehensible, mysterious Providence–did not choose to grant us a miracle on this particular occasion (at least, not in the way we might have hoped).

The surrendering of our fertility would not end with a baby. A few days later, I underwent a medical hysterectomy for uterine and ovarian cancer.

A “sign of contradiction”

Now, years later, I am a team member of Springs in the Desert, a Catholic infertility ministry. We provide resources and support for dioceses and parishes, healthcare providers, and NFP coaches, so that they can better accompany couples who carry this heavy cross.

Our focus, however, is on the husbands and wives who form our community. We work to break through the isolation that we feel—in our families, workplaces, and yes, even in our parishes — when infertility and loss become an unexpected part of our stories.

Of course, for the Springs in the Desert team, our thoughts turn to these couples when reading an article such as “Bucking the Trend, Large Catholic Families Reflect the Beautiful Fruits of Fertility,” published recently by National Catholic Register. The article praises couples who, radically open to the gift of life, accept the many children they are blessed with as a beautiful sign of contradiction in a nation and a world in which the birthrate is in crisis.

But couples who are blessed with many children present only one side of what it means to be open to life. On the other side are the couples who carry the silent, painful, and often hidden cross of infertility: up to 1 in 5, according to the CDC.

“Couples struggling with infertility are also signs of contradiction in a culture that sees the child as a right rather than a gift,” notes Springs in the Desert Executive Director Ann Koshute, MTS, “and suffering of any kind to be unnecessary when there are technical means of ‘producing’ what is so greatly desired.”

Perceptions of family size must include the reality of infertility

The “epidemic of loneliness and grief among childless people” that the article warns against is not some abstract future event. Based on our experience working with couples, it is happening now. And unless we broaden our general understanding of what it means to be a faithful Catholic family, this epidemic will only get worse as infertility rates continue to rise.

Here are some things we invite readers to take into account when forming their own idea of what a Catholic family should look like.

• Children are a gift. As the article (and Catechism §2378) rightly notes, children are a gift, and at Springs, we often talk about how there is nothing anyone can do to deserve the gift of a child. This is as true for large families as it is for small ones. The family of two, however, is left with the good desire to become parents while reckoning with the question of why God has not chosen to bless them with a child at this time.

Sometimes the desire to be parents–in combination with pressure from family, friends, and others–can seem overwhelming, but the gift of a child should not be forced; in fact, desperation for one can cause couples to take matters into their own hands and pursue illicit artificial reproductive technologies, such as in-vitro fertilization (IVF).

The Church and those of us who fill the pews must accompany large families, but also accompany couples to whom a child, or as many children as they would like (in the case of secondary infertility), has not been given. To do that, the truth of the giftedness of the child—and that they are not a Catholic status symbol—must be more deeply understood.

• Families of all sizes can be holy. Catholic couples often struggle when they come up against the widely held ideal of the big Catholic family. These are not couples who, as the poll quoted in the article states, “‘just don’t want’ kids and … want to ‘focus on other things.’” These are couples who, as newlyweds, perhaps even dreamed of having a pew full of children of their own, but find themselves living out a cycle of hope and grief while waiting for a baby. Sometimes these couples, enduring months or years of infertility, have even received well-intentioned reminders that it is wrong to use contraception.

Others are indeed parents but have tragically lost one or more children during pregnancy. Catholics are not excluded from the larger statistical picture that “1 in 5 (19%) of married women aged 15 to 49 with no prior births are unable to get pregnant after 1 year of trying” (CDC) and “10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage” (Mayo Clinic).

Of course, at Springs in the Desert, we do not advocate for a child-free-by-choice lifestyle, but there are plenty of families of two (or three or four) who would love to have more children but are accepting of the will of God.

“Those who have smaller families due to infertility, loss, life-threatening health conditions, or other circumstances beyond their control, often keenly feel the subtle–and not so subtle–message that they are ‘less than’ in the eyes of others in the Church,” says Springs team member Cassi Durnan. “The assumptions people make as to the reasons they don’t have a large family can be very painful.”

Couples and smaller families cannot be truly welcomed and accompanied if they are, even subconsciously, being held up against the measuring stick of a certain number of children.

• Openness to life means openness to all kinds of fruitfulness. The Register article praises “parishes around the country that are rejecting this trend — parishes where families tend to be large, where parish life is vibrant and expanding, and where many husbands and wives … embrace what the Catechism of the Catholic Church calls an ‘openness to life.’ These are communities where faithful Catholic families are defying not merely national or global fertility trends, but those within the Catholic population itself.”

Here we must point out that Catholic couples struggling with infertility also embrace “an ‘openness to life,’” even through the pain of infertility and the (sometimes heightened) possibility of miscarriage. But as they walk this path, the fact that God has not blessed them with a (living) child does not mean that they should not also be considered a “faithful Catholic family.”

Indeed, these couples live out their fruitfulness every day, spiritually mothering and fathering their family members, friends, students, fellow parishioners, and community members, and “performing demanding services for others,” as the Catechism notes in §2379. When welcomed into the life of the parish, they are a key part of the communal life that the article praises as “vibrant and expanding.” They have so many gifts to give to the Church, and–when not excluded–do give them happily and generously.

I think of friends of ours who have dedicated themselves to youth and young adult ministry in their parish. I think of a couple who both work for the Church, pouring themselves into their work and passion for marriage ministry. I think of fellow team members who are involved in Engaged Encounter, helping to encourage and foster faithful marriages for the Church. I think of the surrender my husband and I made, and continue to make, to the Lord.

Additionally, couples who are blessed with children are not done being fruitful in their parishes and communities just because they have kids! We are all called to embrace the continuing call to be open to life and accept the opportunities that God sends our way.

• Our marriages are a witness. “The Church and world need the witness of families with children, who reflect a Christlike total gift of self and sacrifice,” adds Koshute, “but the Church and the world also need the witness of those couples longing for children, or who want to expand their families but are unable to. These marriages–small, yet authentic families–witness to the good of marriage as such, not taking the gift of children for granted. These marriages are no less important and fruitful, even if the life they give doesn’t take up a pew on Sunday.”

Marriage is the bedrock of Catholic families of every size. Our marriages witness to our fellow parishioners not only that children are an undeserved gift, but that the call to be life-giving can be lived out in different ways according to God’s good plan for us.

“Part of accepting God’s will is being open to the fact that the beautiful way in which you are called to parenthood may look completely different than you imagined,” Durnan reflected. “It may not be expressed physically in children that are born of your own bodies, but it will be no less beautiful.”

Walking the path of infertility and loss together

As infertility rates unfortunately continue to rise, we will continue to work towards a greater awareness of this sensitive and important issue. We also hope to come to a deeper understanding of what it means to be fruitful in marriage. Couples blessed with many children are courageously living out their trust in God, in the knowledge that He will always provide. But we must remember that, in a different way, couples without children are doing the same–and often experiencing deep hurt as they long to be understood by their fellow Catholics.

We, as part of the body of Christ, are called to holiness—and also called to help each other walk the narrow paths of life toward that day when “there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain” (Rev 21:4).

The cross of infertility is a mysterious one, but it is statistically certain that each reader knows someone who is carrying it. Will you be a Simon of Cyrene to that person today?