The Martens family of Santa Rosa, California
Pope Benedict
XVI, in an audience with members of an Italian association of large families
earlier this year, offered encouragement to couples who welcome children as a
blessing from God. He said,
“There is no future without children.”
The Holy Father
continued, “In today’s context, a family made of many children constitutes a
witness of faith, courage and optimism. … I hope that adequate social and
legislative measures are promoted that safeguard and sustain large families,
which represent richness and hope for the whole country.”
Large families
are not uncommon in traditional Catholic circles, despite declining family sizes
in broader society in the United States, Europe, and elsewhere in the developed
world in recent decades. Parents of large families, religious and
non-religious, are confronted with many challenges, including the social stigma
associated with having more than two or three children.
British soccer
star David Beckham and wife Victoria, for example, welcomed their fourth child
into the world last year, to
the consternation of environmentalists, liberal politicians, and media
figures who accused them of being selfish with the world’s resources. President
Barack Obama’s senior science and technology advisor John Holdren has even gone
so far as to
argue that children from larger families have lower IQs.
But some couples
are choosing to ignore criticism and buck societal trends. They welcome and
embrace the gift of human life with which God has blessed their marriages. While
the challenges are many, the blessings are far greater, they say, so long as
they maintain a strong faith in God, work hard, and accept the sacrifices
required of their vocation.
Diana Martens, 46, of Santa Rosa, California, and
husband Jon, 58, have 13 children. They have 11 biological children together,
ages 3-23, and Jon has two adult children from a previous marriage. Jon works
as a facility manager and teacher and travels extensively in his work; Diana is
a stay-at-home mom who homeschools her children. She also works as a doula and lactation
consultant for new mothers.
The couple
married 24 years ago; both are converts to the Catholic faith. Diana said, “We
were open to having a large family when we were married, and it’s all been a
blessing.”
Challenges
include keeping up with the daily schedule and providing for the family’s
financial needs, but “we’ve survived by the grace of God,” Diana reported. “We don’t put a value on material things. We
don’t have a big house and we drive old cars. We find that all our needs are
taken care of.”
The family is
active with the Legion of Christ’s Regnum Christi apostolate. One son is a
seminarian with the Legion; some of the older children are engaged in apostolic
work with the organization. The family is active in their parish, St. Sebastian
in Sebastopol, attending daily Mass, praying the Rosary daily, and serving as
volunteers. Diana noted, “The faith is
the glue that holds our family together.”
Diana and Jon are
also active in the Couple to Couple League, which promotes natural family
planning.
When Diana and
Jon were first married they had five children in six years. Strangers came up
to them in public criticizing their decision to be open to a big family. Diana
recalled, “They’d say, ‘Why would you want to deprive a child of the one-on-one
attention he needs?’ We’d respond that we had the attitude that we are open to
life.”
The criticism has
subsided in recent years, but people are still amazed when they learn the
couple has 13 children. “We like to joke about it,” Diana said. “My husband has
a t-shirt that says ‘Our large family is going to be paying for your Social
Security.’”
Diana also added
that the best gift to give a child is another sibling. When the older children
are away from home and return, they’re always anxious to see their younger
brothers and sisters, she said.
Diana encourages
young married couples to be open to the gift of life. “Be open to life,” she
said. “See where God wants to take you.”
Eileen Heaton, age 80, of St. Charles, Illinois, a
western suburb of Chicago, married husband Vince 59 years ago. Regarding
children, Eileen said, the couple decided to “leave it all in God’s hands,
confident that He would provide us with the means to take care of however many
children He sent.”
Last year, Vince
died at age 83. Three hundred mourners attended his funeral, including all of
the couple’s 15 children and their 46 grandchildren.
Eileen recalled,
“He was a wonderful man, selfless and patient. He taught our children the
importance of integrity, and to always seek out the truth.”
The Heatons’ 15
children range in age from the late 30s to the late 50s. All, with the possible
exception of one, have stayed active in the Church. All are successful
professionals; most are college graduates.
But when the kids
were small, there were many challenges, Eileen said. “Every day I got up and
begged God for the graces to do the right thing,” she said. “I took it one day
at a time.”
For Eileen, one
of the greatest trials was laundry. With 15 kids, there was always something to
wash.
Vince was an
accountant and computer systems analyst, and he worked part-time in convenience
stores to make ends meet. During his professional career, in fact, he held 16
different part-time jobs, in addition to his full-time job and continuing
education studies.
The Heatons were
disciplined in the practice of their faith; children were always expected to go
to Mass and pray with the family. Additionally, they had family rules which had
to be observed. Girls going out on dates, for example, were expected to be home
on time.
One time, Eileen
recalled, a young man was late in returning with her daughter. Eileen waited in
the driveway in her housedress. When the car pulled up, she told her daughter
to go inside. She then told the man, to his great surprise, “Never call my
daughter again.”
Eileen recalled,
“And my family accepted that, and never challenged us.”
She often
experienced social condemnation when people became aware of how many children
she had. She recalled once when she worked a part-time job a co-worker called
her a “polluter” and accused her of overpopulating the world. She challenged
the man, arguing that countries needed more children and suggesting he research
the issue himself. He later apologized.
Another critic
was a teacher of one of her sons at a Catholic school who angrily asked, “How
dare you [have such a large family]?” Eileen’s patient response was, “Even with
one child, how dare I? With God’s help, we can do anything.”
The teacher
offered Eileen an unspoken apology of sorts a month later, appearing at her
doorstep unannounced one evening offering to tutor her academically struggling
son. Eileen reflected, “Had I gotten angry, I would have lost her.”
Eileen’s
children, too, experienced ridicule at school when word got out that they came
from a large family.
About six years
after they were married, the Heatons participated in a “post-Cana” retreat for
married couples, but were disappointed that the retreat centered on techniques
for limiting child birth rather than spirituality. She asked the priest leading
the retreat, “Father, why don’t you talk about faith in God?”
The priest responded
that it was not the purpose of the retreat. The Heatons went home early. Eileen
explained, “We had things to do; we didn’t have the time to waste.”
She concluded,
“Vince and I raised each of our children as individuals, and never lost one. And,
we always had a strong faith that God would help us. Whether you’re raising 15 children
or one, you need a strong faith in God.”
Laura Power, 38, of Culpeper, Virginia, grew up in
a family of 14 in Cupertino, California (near San Jose). Her siblings range in
age from 16 to 41; she is the third-oldest child. Today most of the family lives
in Virginia.
Although she
attended Catholic school as a child, she recalls her classmates giving her odd
looks when they learned that her mother was pregnant again. “I was embarrassed
by it at the time,” she recalled. “I couldn’t understand why my parents kept
having kids.”
But today, she’s
grateful for each of her 13 siblings. “I can’t imagine not having them,” she
said. “I’m glad each one is here. My
life is my family.”
Her mother’s last
pregnancy was at age 46—her father was 53—but her youngest sibling, now age 16,
“is the life of the family,” Laura said. “She knows all the family secrets. Everyone
confides in her.”
As an older
sister, Laura was a “second mother” to the younger children, taking on much
responsibility and helping take care of their many needs. In turn, “they were
my entertainment.” She, in fact, returned home for six years after she had
moved out when she learned her mother was pregnant for the final time.
The faith was
important in the home. “Catholicism defined us,” Laura noted. “We were not just
a large family, but a large Catholic family.”
The family was
always faithful to the Rosary; Laura’s older brother was leading the family Rosary
at age 3. Today, all of the children still practice the faith. Most of the kids
have left home; many have married. Laura’s parents, Ted and Mary-Margaret, have
29 grandchildren.
She and husband
Nicholas, a US Marine Corps veteran, married three years ago and are hoping to
have a large brood of their own. They are currently fostering two children in
hopes of adopting them.
Patrick Madrid, age 52, and wife Nancy, age 51, of
Granville, Ohio (near Columbus), have been married for 30 years and have 11
children and 12 grandchildren. Patrick has supported the family for the past 25
years as a Catholic apologist, writing books and giving talks on the Faith at
parishes and conferences.
Patrick was one
of eight children himself, and he and Nancy wanted “a lot of kids, but we never
had in mind how much ‘a lot’ was.”
They experienced
all the typical challenges parents have in rearing children—educating them and
teaching them the faith, teaching them manners, and, of course, paying for
them. “With us, finances were always tight, but God always provided,” Patrick
said. “With each new child, we managed. We never had a sense that we’d passed a
threshold.”
For Patrick, one
of the most thrilling things about being a parent has been “getting to know
each child, like watching a flower unfold.”
The children
range in age from 11 to 31; six have grown and left home and five have married.
The oldest, in fact, already has six children. Patrick is especially pleased
that all have married well and each has remained active in the Church.
Patrick, too, has
experienced the “looks of scorn” in public from those who disapprove of his
family size, as well as the snide comments: “Are you finished yet?” “Don’t you
have a television?” “Are you crazy?” He’s been accused by complete strangers of
consuming too many of the Earth’s resources.
Patrick is
concerned about the contraceptive mentality that he believes has permeated the
developed world. Birthrates in some countries, he noted, have “reached the
point of no return,” leading to only two possibilities: 1) heavy influxes of
younger workers from Third World countries, often Muslim, to support aging
populations, and 2) the “right to die” will become the “obligation to die,” as
the unproductive elderly will be viewed as wasting precious resources and
pressured to commit suicide. He added, “I don’t know when that will be, but I
think I’ll live to see it.”
When he counsels
his own children on getting married and starting a family, Patrick tells them
three things: 1) Don’t waste your time with recreational dating. Look instead
for a Catholic spouse who shares your belief in God and the Catholic faith. And
don’t expect to convert a non-Catholic, as they usually won’t. 2) Actively seek God’s will for your marriage,
rather than merely waiting for what he sends along. 3) Be open to the gift of
life. God knows best.