uncle is, as you know, a littlehow shall we say?distracted
right now, and as I am considered something of an expert when it
comes to Christians of the Catholic variety, I’ve been asked to
help out a little.
looked at the files on your man, and you need to be extremely careful
here. The believers on what the humans call the “left” of their
church are easy. We’ve managed to convince them that salvation is
to be found in social programs, liberal politics, and making jokes
about conservatives. We’ve done a wonderful job in making it all
about politics for themall about the good they think they can
doand the angrier they become at those they see as their earthly
enemies, the further they move away from their god. It’s very
successful, and such great fun too. The joke is that they hardly
change anything anyway, but the better and more pompous they feel
about themselves the less humble and more strident they are, and that
makes our enemy even more upset and disappointed.
more about that and them later. You see, your little man is of the
other variety, the conservatives. They’re much more tricky. They’ve
seen through our propaganda campaign“everything in the past was
wrong”, “we have to change with the times”, “intelligent
people don’t believe that” and so on. We’ve tried using doubt,
confusion, fear, and the truly delicious “apathy” but it doesn’t
work on them. So, let me suggest another approach. It’s what I like
to call nostalgia. Try to make them confuse Catholicism with history,
and faith with living in the past. It’s quite funny actually, and
at times some of their more conservative Masses look more like
auditions for a BBC costume drama than gatherings of the flock about
to be fed His body and His blood.
have to be careful though. Some of them are the strongest and most
fearless of the damnable tribe, and they are there precisely for the
continuity and the tradition in the best sense, the real sense, in
His sense. It makes me so mad! But not all of themoh no, no, no.
Some are there because they have cultivated a mock cynicism, looking
down from some moralistic pedestal of their own creation so as to
spit their contempt on the ordinary Catholics below, whom they tend
to dislike even more than our good, fine friends the atheists.
will, for instance, hear them quote that swine of an enemy, G. K.
Chesterton, about Catholicism preventing one from the awful fate of
being a prisoner in one’s own time, blah, blah, blah. Thing is, he
understood what he meant, whereas many of those who quote him do not.
He was providing a reason, they are using an excuse. No, we want
lethargy and old lace, we want condescension, we want obsession with
form instead of obsession with results.
them use Latin in the same way: not so as to provide a universal
language for the communication of what they call “the Gospel”,
but as a way to make them feel separated from the world and slightly
more important than the rest of the ignorant mob. Latin was, of
course, once the language of Europe to those people who could read
and write, but that’s long, long gone. So, these days we make it an
absolute for them, to such an extent that it becomes not a weapon for
him but a tool for us; we turn it into an anachronism. Have them
dismiss the rest of their bunch who don’t use Latin as not being
real and proper. Division. We love it, we relish it, we eat
and drink it, we splash around in the bath of it.
brings me to their new leader. We’ve had “friends” in
newspapers and on television for years now, and they’re relentless
in their work for us. Thank Lucifer for that, because this Francis
fellow can be a problem. His words are like arrows, like pepper in
the eyes, but with enough effort we can distort them, or better still
have them distorted. He gave a long interview in a newspaper, and we
had our people in the media explain that interview to the world even
before the bishops had seen the thing! I tell you Wormwood, sometimes
I’d do this job for nothing, just for the fun of it. He went on and
on about love, grace, confession, humility, messiah, mother of their
messiah. Awful, painful muck. But then he advised them to introduce
their work against the baby-killing stuff and the destruction of
marriagevoted most successful campaign of the last decade in last
year’s award ceremony by the way!carefully and gradually. Oh
he’s a clever one, this bloody man.
we were quick. We immediately changed magnificationa method that
we’ve used before, but it always works so well. Put one paragraph
in huge letters, and minimize the rest. It worked like a treat.
They’re running around like ants, which is what they are really,
and some of them are questioning whether they should leave or not,
looking elsewhere, in despair. Yes, division. It’s been a winner
for centuries, and was one of our greatest victories in their
sixteenth century. Their left wing, who I mentioned earlier, are
loving it all, and are in for a delightful shock later; their
conservatives, or at least some of them, think they’re in trouble.
This is good, this is so, so very good.
what we do next is vital. You have to aim carefully. Have them
question the very authority they have relied on for so long. If you
do this skillfully, their entire castle will crumble and we can walk
through the ruins. I don’t mean the church itself; tragically,
that’s been given to the enemy and is off limits. No, I mean the
castle that is the soul of the little insects. If we do this
properly, they will fall one by one. We tell them their Pope said
something wrong, so they doubt their Pope, then they doubt their
church, so they leave their church, their defenses have gone, and we
gobble them up. You see, once they doubt the authority of their
leader, the rest is easy. If the authority is wrong, the teaching
might be wrong. We like the word “might”, because it leads to
“must”. They wonder about their so-called sacraments, they doubt,
they wanderand they're ours.
is a big fight, and never forget that while the style of the battles
and the nature of the campaigns has changed in the past couple of
thousand years, it’s still the same war. Remember this. He never
surrenders. He fights for every one of them until the last moment,
the very end, and he knows every trick in the book. Every time we
think we’ve got him, he changes his march, finds a new way of
responding and defending.
forget it my boy, or there will be the devil to pay. And I mean that